Category Archives: Relationships

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The Purpose of Anger

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I have a confession to make: I never knew my own capacity for anger until I had children. Now don’t get me wrong – I know that we adults can be pretty difficult, too. But we have just learned (usually) that it isn’t socially acceptable to throw a temper tantrum when we don’t get our way or cry for an entire hour when we drop our ice cream cone on the floor.

Living with anyone will bring its challenges and living with lots of little people brings a myriad of relational issues and conflicts that are often accompanied by a strong emotion called anger.

I’ve learned as the primary caregiver for little people that my often even-keel personality can begin to simmer on a level of low-grade irritability that impacts everyone around me – especially my children.

When Anger Steals Our Joy

One night while I was lying in bed, ready to fall asleep, I thought to myself “This is not okay. I don’t want to be so easily irritated!”

I realized that when I harbored anger in my heart, my joy was being stolen and anger was keeping me from enjoying and fully embracing these precious little ones that God has entrusted to me to shepherd towards His heart.

I also recognized that while I cannot change myself, I need not feel helpless. God would never ask us to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31) if it were not possible through the power of His Spirit working within us.

One of my closest friends who also has small children suggested that we read a book together called “Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids.”

Um, yes please! I was won over by the title alone.

The Greater Purpose of Anger

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A great truth that I have learned while reading this book is quite simple: Anger is a flag to us that something is wrong and we need to do something about it. Anger doesn’t tell us what is wrong; we have to take time to identify the real issue behind our anger before we can do anything about it.

While anger is a good and useful emotion to identify when something is wrong, it is not helpful for solving problems. This is biblical: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God“ James 1:19-20.

I am learning that when I find myself irritated and smoldering within, I need to pause and ask myself some basic questions:

What is the real problem? Am I angry about something that is being internally stimulated (perhaps my own inward struggle with something) or outwardly stimulated (by one child hitting another or traffic when I am already late).

What is an appropriate response to the issue at hand? Speaking in a loud and harsh tone to my kids does not solve the problem of my children running and wrestling in the kitchen while I am trying to cook dinner. It only compounds the issue.

Perhaps an appropriate response would be to calmly explain that it is not safe for them to run in close proximity to a hot stove and give them clear direction as to where they can safely play, laying out straightforward consequences if there is a failure to comply.

5 Main Reasons for Our Anger

Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, the authors of “Good and Angry,” identify 5 main causes of anger: Physical Pain, Blocked Goals, Violated Rights, Unfairness, Unmet Expectations.

Taking a few minutes to identify which of these is most often the cause of our anger can be the first step to identifying a healthy way to respond.

Do you often find yourself irritated or angry but are unsure how you can see change? God does not condemn you but offers you a way out through His grace and the power of His Holy Spirit.

He’s given us emotions as gifts that can bring glory to Him when they are used appropriately.

When and in what circumstances do you most often find yourself becoming angry? What are your triggers? What might be an appropriate response for those situations?

Here’s the bottom line: Anger can serve as a friend rather than an enemy when we allow it to signal a problem rather than solve it.

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The Marks of a Real-Life Hero

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We all remember the photos of the fire-fighters running into the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001 while the people inside were running out. Hundreds of them lost their lives that day as they responded to the call of duty. By laying down their own lives, they were able to rescue many from imminent death.

There were true heroes.

What Makes a Hero?

Watching little boys and girls dress up like superheroes speaks a loud message to those of us who are parents – kids are inspired by those who “save the day,” are “strong, brave, and courageous” and “help other people.”

Kids (and all of us) are looking for examples to follow – people who are human and fallible, but make choices to be courageous in the face of fear and take great personal risks to love and serve others.

While many children’s heroes are fictional characters in comic strips and movies, real life heroes still exist and they are all around us every single day, if we have the eyes to see. You will know them by their fruit.

A Real Hero Saves and Protects Lives

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Real Heroes value life. They value all of humanity. They strive to save and preserve life whenever possible.

A Real Hero Fights Injustice and Evil

Fighting evil and injustice is not only for men and women on the front lines of a battlefield. It is also a war waged through word of mouth, writing, acts of service, standing in solidarity with those who are oppressed.

A Real Hero is Self-Sacrificing

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Men and women of courage and character often end up denying and sacrificing themselves so that others may grow and live. They may even choose to enter situations that put their own lives at risk in order to serve or rescue someone else. In the moment of decision, they say “no” to selfishness and “yes” to service.

A Real Hero is Humble

Being a “Real Life Hero” isn’t about being perfect, but acknowledging weakness and drawing on the strength of God to empower them for the task at hand. These role models aren’t arrogant or proud, but humbly recognize that they are but one person, doing the good that they can with the one life they have been given.

A Real Hero Relies on God and Others

Real heroes aren’t isolated islands apart from the rest of humanity. They acknowledge that anything they accomplish that is deemed “heroic” in nature came through the ability and strength that God has given them and often through the assistance and help of others around them.

Unsung Heroes

Most Real-Life Heroes are never written up, read about, commemorated with medals, or even acknowledged by others. But they aren’t doing it for those reasons anyways.

The coolest thing to consider is that all of us can, by God’s grace, seek to grow in these character qualities. You don’t have to be a first responder, medical doctor, missionary, or soldier to lay down your life for others and be courageous.

Christ: The Greatest Hero of All Time

Christ came for one purpose – not “to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). He emptied Himself of “Superhero” status when he became human and wrapped himself in flesh that could bleed and cry, just like the rest of us.

He lived not for Himself but only “to do the will of My father in Heaven.” He laid down His life for us and provided an example of sacrificial love so that we might follow in His steps.

If you know an “unsung hero” – someone who lives to serve and lovingly sacrifice for others – perhaps take a moment today to write them a note of thanks or give them a call. As Romans 13:7 says, “Pay to all what is owed them…respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.”

 

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The Ministry of Presence

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The story is told in Scripture of a man named Job of whom God said, “There is no one on earth like him” (Job 1:8). Job had been blessed by God in every way possible – he had great wealth and resources, prominence and influence in society, seven sons and three daughters.

Then one day, everything changed for Job. In one day, everything he had was taken from him. And God allowed all this to happen to test him.

In all this, Job did not sin against God, but tore his clothes and worshipped God saying: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” (Job 1:21).

Job had many friends who came to try to comfort him and counsel him in his grief. The problem with these friends is that they all thought they had the answers. They all thought they were the one who knew why this had happened to Job. The bottom line is – they talked too much.

Job’s wife didn’t help either. In fact, her lovely encouragement was “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die” (Job 2:9).  Brilliant. Just brilliant.

When someone close to us has endured loss, pain, trial, or sickness, what are we to do? How are we to comfort them?

I definitely don’t have all the answers, but here are a few things I have learned through Job’s story and through walking with some of those who are close to me as they have gone through loss and trials:

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1. Come Humbly – you don’t have the answers to the problems and pains of others. Don’t presume to. Only God knows.

2. Come Broken and Ready to Break – Scripture says, “Weep with those who weep.” We all know the difference between someone who pats us on the back with pity and someone whose heart wrenches in pain with our pain. There is a world of difference.

3. Don’t Try to Fix It – Most of us want a 5 step plan to help get our friend to a more desirable place. We wish we could just step in and roll up our sleeves and make problems and troubles disappear through hard work.

While we may very well be able to help another through acts of service or other helpful tips or strategies, it’s important to remember that often people want a listening ear more than they want you to try to fix their problems with a flip of your wrist.

4. Choose Your Words Carefully – It’s not the quantity of your words but the thoughtfulness of them that others will remember. A word of wisdom or encouragement may serve someone tremendously; a lecture or a monologue (see Job’s friends above) usually will not.

5. Minister with Your Presence – There are times and circumstances when you will have no words. And you shouldn’t. Your warm body, loyally sitting beside a friend will do more than 1,000 empty words.

Do you have a friend who is going through a great loss or trial right now? If you aren’t sure what they need, ask them. You may not know what to say, but don’t let that stop you from reaching out. They need to see that you care – not that you have all the answers.

A phone call to let them know you are praying for them or a warm hug or meal may be the very thing they need today to encourage their soul and give them strength to carry on.

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