Category Archives: Relationships

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Living a Life that Says “Welcome!”

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“In Ireland, you go to someone’s house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you’re really just fine. She asks if you’re sure. You say of course you’re sure, really, you don’t need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don’t need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn’t mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it’s no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting. In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don’t get any tea. I liked the Irish way better.” ― C.E. Murphy

Face Time and Front Porches

I grew up in a neighborhood in Northeast Georgia where everyone knew one another. I couldn’t go jogging without stopping to chat to 3-4 neighbors along the way and hear the latest news about their families.

One of the greatest assets of my home growing up was our front porch. My parents sat out front every morning drinking their coffee and reading the newspaper.

Neighbors wandered by and didn’t think twice about stopping over to hang out on the porch with us and have some coffee, too. To this day, my parents still practice this morning ritual and even have a sugar jar ready for their friend who likes sugar in his coffee.

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In the summer, my family spent most of our time on our dock at the lake – which is just another “front porch” for community to gather.

Making Reservations

When I first moved to the Washington D.C. area, one of my first observations was how busy everyone seemed to be. Power suits, power lunches, power naps, power everything, it seemed.

Sadly, it is easy for our lives to get so busy that we have no room for spontaneous hospitality any more. We may see every knock on our front door as an interruption to our well-scheduled lives. But this should not be the case!

Jesus often stopped what he was doing to minister to one person. One person in a crowd of thousands was still important to Him. Still worthy of his unique attention and affection. His second greatest commandment (after loving God) was “love your neighbor as yourself.”

You simply cannot love your neighbor without knowing them and interacting in their lives.

A Life that Says “Welcome”

Today I live in an AMAZING neighborhood once again. The people in Cheverly, Maryland are an “open door-can I bring you a meal?-pull up a chair and stay awhile” kind of people. And they truly make my heart sing. I can’t walk anywhere without running into someone I know or someone I haven’t met who will soon become a friend.

There’s a time to close our doors and have family time. There’s a time for personal solitude. And scheduling definitely has its place (as a mom of three kids I know this well!)

But I often ponder what we as a family can adjust in our lives and schedules so that there is ample time and room for guests to pop in unexpectedly and have a cup of tea? to hang out in our yard and ride our swing? to spontaneously swing by and end up staying for dinner?

You may not have a front porch, but your home still sends a message to everyone who walks by it. Does your life and home speak “I’m open! Come on over!” or do passers-by get the unspoken but clear message “Stay away – we’re busy”?

You don’t lots of Martha Stuart stuff or an immaculate home to be a good host. All you need is an open door, a smile, and a hot cup of tea – just a life that says “you’re welcome here!”

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How to Become Unoffendable

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A story from the Desert Fathers goes as follows: “A brother came to see Abba Macarius the Egyptian and said to him, “Abba, give me a word, that I may be saved.”

So the old man said, “Go to the cemetery and insult the dead.” The brother went there, hurled insults and stones at them; then he returned and told the old man about it. The latter said to him, “Didn’t they say anything to you? He replied,”No.”

The old man said, “Go back tomorrow and praise them.” So the brother went away and praised them, calling them Apostles, saints and blessed people. He returned to the old man and said to him, “I have complimented them.” And the old man said to him, “Did they not answer you?” the brother said no.

The old man said to him, “You know how you insulted them and they did not reply, and how you praised them and they did not speak; so you too if you wish to be saved must do the same and become a dead man. Like the dead, take no account of either the scorn of others or their praises, and you can be saved.”

Becoming Unoffendable

How do we become unoffendable when someone says something that leaves us hot and bothered? God’s Word gives us clear direction on this issue – Here are a few strategies:

1) Recognize that offenses come to us all: In Luke 17:1 Jesus says, “It is impossible that no offenses will come…” We are all tempted to sin by becoming offended. We are all weak and imperfect people. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship among humans. Knowing this can help us be on our guard against offense.

2) Acknowledge points of weakness: We all have “sensitive places” and points of weakness when it comes to taking offense. Acknowledging these and asking yourself the deeper questions, “Why am I so offended about this?” will help us to avoid becoming offended. Often, we can become offended in areas of our lives where we have unresolved hurt, anger, or insecurity.

3) Avoid becoming trapped! The word “offense” in the Bible is the Greek word “skandalizo” which means “to put a stumbling block or impediment in the way, upon which another may trip and fall.” When we “take the bait” of offense, we (not the other person) become trapped!

4) Give people the benefit of the doubt – Most people aren’t aiming to insult or offend you – they are likely blind to the fact that what they have said has hurt or injured you. When we realize how many times we have unintentionally said things that offended others, we can be gracious and forgiving to others.

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Look to Christ for Help

The words Christ spoke when He was on earth have offended (and will continue to offend) many people. He knows what it is like to have people take offense at his teachings and thoughts. He also knows what it is like to be ridiculed, mocked, and betrayed and yet – He was not offended.

On the cross, He even said “Father, forgive them – for they don’t know what they are doing.” He gladly received back his closest companions after they abandoned him at his time of greatest need. He experienced all this and chose the path of love and forgiveness.

What is one area of your life where you are likely to take offense? Have you become offended with someone recently? Take some time today to pray about it and ask the Holy Spirit to give you strength to let go of that offense and move on.

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3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before An Important Conversation

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We all know what it’s like at some point in our lives to prepare for an important or difficult conversation. Maybe your palms are sweaty and your heart is pounding. Maybe you’ve rehearsed what you will say again and again to make sure you have “just the right words.” Maybe you’ve even prayed about it.

The Three Sieves

In my all-time favorite devotional book, Edges of His Ways, Amy Carmichael shares about a practice called “The Three Sieves.” These are three questions to sift our words through before speaking to another. They are:

Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?

Is it True? ~ Are the words we speak to others based on truth? Do they point back to God’s Word or a principle contained therein? Is there a standard of truth higher than our own opinion that we are drawing from?

Is it Kind? ~ This is often the hardest filter. It is easy to speak true words without kindness. “I’m just calling it like it is – just being honest,” we may say. But have we taken the time to consider how we may infuse our words and deeds with kindness and love?

Is it Necessary? ~ If we do not speak up, what will the consequences be? And if something must be said, are we the right person to say it? How much must be said to ensure that the needed words are clearly communicated? Often only one thing must be said, but we may continue on in our words just to “prove our point.”

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Letting Love Pave the Way

As Amy Carmichael says, “Love will never let us hurt another unless we must, and then it will hurt us far more. We will not do it easily.” We all need people in our lives who can lovingly confront us or speak truth that may prove difficult for us to hear. The intended purpose of these conversations are to point us to our Savior that we may turn from our ways if needed and grow in godly character.

The Golden Ruler

It would benefit us greatly in all our relationships to remember the Golden Rule and allow it to govern our relationships: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” How would you wish those closest to you to speak to you? How would you hope those you trust the most to speak truth into your life and call you higher in your walk with Christ?

I know what I respond best to: those who have demonstrated their love and commitment to me again and again – those who have loved me unconditionally and without reservation, those who, although they may do it imperfectly, seek to speak kindly and are careful with their words.

3 Sieves for Everyday Life

I can’t help but think that these three sieves aren’t just for the “hard conversations” but for everyday life as well. How much it could benefit us and those we interact with daily (such as our family members, colleagues, neighbors, and friends) if we ran our words through these filters:

Is it True? Is is Kind? Is it Necessary?

How can one or all of these questions help you with a conversation you may have today?

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