The happiness of the domestic fireside is the first boon of Heaven; and it is well it is so, since it is that which is the lot of the mass of mankind. ~Thomas Jefferson, 1813

I truly believe that healthy, happy families are the cornerstone to a thriving nation and world. Most would agree and yet perhaps grew up in a difficult or even dysfunctional or abusive family environment. When you haven’t grown up in a healthy family environment, it may be daunting or even seem an impossible dream that your family and children could grow up in a healthy, nurturing environment filled with love, affirmation and support.

I am blessed to have been raised in a home with two loving parents who not only provided me with a strong and beautiful example of what a good marriage looked like (lived out before my eyes every day), but also lovingly disciplined, nurtured and encouraged me and my brother at each season of our journey through childhood and adolescence. Even in a loving home, my parents weren’t perfect and we children weren’t either, as can be expected!!

I was brainstorming today in my journal about the elements or “foundation blocks” for a Happy, Healthy Family. I know there are many more than what I will share, but I pray that one or two of these thoughts inspire your own thinking and praying and dreaming of what you desire your family to become…

A Happy Family is:

1. Not perfect, but working towards humility: I say “working towards humility” because stooping down to my 3 year old at face-to-face level and apologizing for my crabby attitude (of which she is bearing the brunt) is not easy. It is humbling. But she deserves my respect and she deserves my act of “making it right” by seeking her forgiveness. When we as parents humble ourselves to each other or to our children we are setting a precedent that it is more important to be in relationship with one another than to be proud and isolated.

2. Not money, but love: When Joel and I got married, we could barely pay our bills for our one bedroom apartment. For several years, it seems, we had just enough to get by…but it never really felt that way. I have always felt nothing but blessed and nothing less than abundance flowing through my life since we were married. I am convinced that is because it is love that enriches a family, not money. On our “date nights” Joel would treat me to coffee and dessert or to a dinner at Panera Bread because that is what we could afford. But some of my fondest memories of our earlier years were those times we spent together where our total bill came to less than $20. On the other hand, there have been date nights where we went to a fancy restaurant and some sort of expensive play or outing, but argued the whole time, and the night was ruined. I am becoming even more aware of my need to teach my children this principle by example when it seems they keep accumulating more and more stuff every day!! 🙂

3. Not control, but Healthy Boundaries: Controlling relationships stifle families and only end up drawing people away. Every family member ought to be able to have individual hobbies or talents or interests that the others appreciate, participate in, support. Healthy boundaries show how much you really care about the other person. When I tell Chesed “No, you may not touch the outlet on the wall” or Grace “you may not ride your bike without a helmet” this isn’t being controlling, rather, it is providing a healthy boundary for her freedom to thrive.

4. Not just Quality time, but also Quantity time: I say this because the most meaningful interactions I have had with my family haven’t been planned or ordered. Joel and I do sometimes plan to have talks about important things like our financial future, investments, the girls future schooling, or other matters, of course, but I have seen more often than not the more memorable “teachable moments” with the girls or special times with Joel coming at an unexpected moment. Some mornings the girls and I are just piddling around the house, eating breakfast, Grace chasing Kes, throwing laundry in to wash, and Grace may ask a question that sparks a meaningful conversation with my precious 3-year old about life and what it is all about. The more time you allow to spend with your family, the more that you can really know each other, love each other, play together, learn together, teach each other, serve one another.

5. Not Closed doors but Open ones: I have personally seen through the years that the healthiest homes I have seen were ones that stayed open to others – neighbors, friends, relatives, co-workers, you name it! Not that they just got trampled, though 🙂 but simply that they let people into their families, sharing their family with others and thus enriching their community as well as their family in the process.

6.Not Pretending but Communicating: Just because families don’t argue or fight doesn’t mean they are healthy. Communicating and working through problems leads to health. Bottling things up and holding grudges is painful and poisonous.

7. Not taking, but serving: When each family member seeks to serve the others for the mutual good and growth of the family (in whatever way they can), everyone thrives. When everyone pitches in, helps clean up, or just makes someone laugh when they are having a bad day, the family is enriched. I can honestly say that my one year old daughter serves our family by providing us with great laughter and quality entertainment, sometimes at the end of a very long day!

8. Not self-centered, but God and other-centered: I believe our family realizes its fullest purpose when glorifying God in all things becomes the utmost aim – when we seek not only to serve ourselves and each other but look out, reaching outside of our home to the world around us and seeking to work together to serve our community and our world. I personally have dreams of serving the poor, hungry, and hurting people of the world side by side with my daughters someday.

These are just a few of my own reflections and musings. What about you? What do you think makes a happy, healthy family? What one thing can you do today to serve and love the family God has given you? Truly, family is one of life’s greatest blessings!